Changing Doctors: The Lesser of two evils

Spoke to my therapist on the phone today. She rang my GP yesterday to clarify some stuff about my current care and support.

To remind you all I moved to London in August 2013. I had to leave behind my AMAZING GP in Cambridge and register with a new doctor’s surgery. Unfortunately the new doctors surgery is overcrowded and disorganised. I finally settled on a GP who seemed ok at the surgery but then she left. BEfore leaving she referred me to a NHS psych and recommended another Dr at the surgery(Let’s call her Dr S). However, as I have said in previous blog-posts Dr S admitted to me that she thinks I know more about mental health that she does, and therefore, she would find it difficult to help me. Her solution to my suicidal depression was ‘perhaps do some exercise’…. helpful? No! Dr S has been unsympathetic and seemingly completely under-trainined (is this the case/ is she just an incompetent doctor?) in the area of mental health. She appeared disinterested in my illness and didn’t offer me any support.

As you also know if you have been reading my blogs I am on a 6 month (minimum) waiting list for the Complex Care Team to reassess me (the original psych couldn’t make his mind up) and for DBT. However I was also due a check-up psychiatrist appointment in March. March has been and gone. Dr S refused to chase up appointment, saying it would come…  Appointment never came! So I took the initiative and called the hospital where I was initially assessed. They had forgotten to arrange promised follow-up appointment. They said they’d call back that day or email. No call and no email. Obviously. I rang again. They said they’d ring back… they didn’t. Of course. I finally rang back for the last time and they have given me a half hour appointment. Despite telling them I was at crisis point they haven’t been able to give me an appointment until the 30th April. To make matters worse it is only a half hour appointment (I don’t know what on earth can be achieved in half an hour!!) AND to top it off, my appointment is with a different psych, not my original one (the one who made the diagnosis). I’m not sure how useful, if at all, a half an hour appointment with a different psych will be?

On top of all this my therapist believes I have been given the wrong diagnosis by the original psych. The original Psych seemed to think Borderline Personality Disorder was more likely than bipolar, though he admits I may have bipolar, but he cannot tell this in an hour session (if he cannot tell this in an hour session why haven’t I been called back in for further assessment???) My therapist thinks a mood disorder like bipolar is more likely than BPD. She believes I just have BPD symptoms on top of Bipolar Disorder (I have in the past been diagnosed with cyclothymia). However I am not going to get to the bottom of this until I am reassessed by the Complex Care Team after the 6 month wait. 6 months?? This isn’t good enough. That’s 6 extra months of living with an unmedicated and untreated mood/ personality disorder (The original psych hasn’t even written the official diagnosis document up yet (my appt was Janurary!!), so I don’t even know for certain what he thought – I just have the immediate Care Plan document in which he indicated the BPD diagnosis). I’m also not too sure what happens to previous diagnoses – do they just become discounted? I have already received a diagnoses of cyclothymia and recurrent depressive disorder in the last 12 months. Do these diagnoses get discounted and replaced with this new psych’s thoughts on BPD?

My therapist really wants me to get a second opinion – this is one of the reasons why she rang Dr S. However Dr S mumbled something about lack of time, and budget issues… and said she could’t really press for a second opinion…. I’m sure it is my right to be able to get a second opinion on the NHS?

These circumstances may be partially bearable had I a more responsible and caring GP. However this is not the case. I am therefore going to have to change surgeries. This is going to be stressful and time-consuming, but at the moment I feel it is the lesser of two evils. I need support from a GP whilst I wait for psychiatry appointments and assessments. My therapist is great. Super in fact. But she cannot officially diagnose me or prescribe me medication.

I feel like moving all the way back to Cambridge just so I can have the support from my old GP. This shouldn’t have to be the case. There should be more passionate and caring GPs out there. My trust in the NHS is dwindling and I am praying that the next surgery I pick will help instil some of that trust back in me.

Sorry for the ranty blog-post. As you can see I am pretty furious. This blog was more for me I suppose. I good excuse to splurge my feelings in a safe place. But perhaps some of you can empathise/ are going through similar things?

Thanks for reading.

I am also on twitter – @fighting_stigma

Smiling on the outside, Crying on the inside

I think it is sometimes difficult for people to appreciate the fact that you can still be pretty depressed, whilst you are smiling. Sometimes people say, “Oh, you look much happier at the moment, has the depression gone away?” And yes, it can be nice to hear those kinds of comments. However sometimes words like that can feel like daggers. You just want to stand up and scream, “YES, I AM WEARING MY HAPPY FACE, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I AM FUCKING HAPPY”. Of course I just smile sweetly and say, “Thanks, yes, I’m doing ok”. OK… What does OK even mean? Perhaps when I have the strength to wear my happy face I am doing alright. Other times (like around my birthday this year) I don’t even have the strength to pretend. Therefore, yes, in some sense I am doing better when I can utilise my ability to plaster on a fake smile. Yet this doesn’t mean that the depression has disappeared, or even improved by any measurable margin.

It’s quite funny that I am training to be an actress… it is my job to wear different faces.

I’d urge people to re-think their pre-concieved ideas of what a depressed person looks like. I googled ‘depressed person’ and nearly every single photo was in black and white and depicted a man or woman with a tear running down their face and their hands over their face/ head. These sorts of photos do, in some respects, convey the pain, the hurt, the isolation and the despair of depression. However, they fail to convey how a large proportion of people with depression are living their lives. A lot of people still go to work (I know some people simply can’t and have to take time off work, and I am not saying that those who manage to get themselves to work are stronger or more worthy in any way- they might have different coping mechanisms). A lot of adolescents still go to school/ college/ university. Although I discussed dropping out of university for a year on numerous occasions I still stuck it out, and went to lectures and did my food shopping in Sainsbury’s. Yes, I did take some time off school when things got too much and I certainly stayed in bed for days and missed some lectures, but the majority of the time, despite my inner suffering, I would walk around with my fake smile on (there were of course times when I was genuinely happy – I am in no way dismissing those happy snippets of time). Sometimes a depression is so deep that it fills every molecule in your body with heavy sand. It can feel impossible even to lift your head from the pillow. The slightest movement can make you weep and the thought of wearing a fake smile cannot even be entertained. But a lot of depressed people look like they are ‘fine’. They look like they are coping. They don’t look like the photos the internet presents us with. They aren’t sat at a window with a tear running down their faces contemplating the wider world outside (although I am sure this has/ is/will happen sometimes!)

Below is a photo of my wonderful sister and I at my birthday meal. I look as happy as Larry (where did this expression come from?) In actual fact I was battling a very deep depression. A mere half an hour after this photo was taken I was allowing tears to leak out of my eyes in the middle of The Wolsey! (awkward). I can laugh about situations like this now, in hindsight, because I am not currently caught in the depths of a depression. But when you are there, in deep water, it costs every inch of your energy to keep that smile on your face. Sometimes you succeed and sometimes you falter. Sometimes the moment you go behind closed doors you break-down.

 

This blog was a little rambly and I apologise, but this is something I have been thinking about for the last few days. I would urge you all to be sensitive to anyone you know who is struggling with depression (or a similar depressive mental illness). Sometimes it is possible to see their pain in their eyes, even if they are outwardly smiling (In her autobiography Ruby Wax says you can always tell another depressed person from the look in their eyes. We are a ‘kind’.) If someone is battling depression but can still manage to wear a smiling mask publicly then I salute you. I know how hard it is. Keep going. But also remember it is ok to take the mask off sometimes. It is ok to clock in with how you are feeling and truly feel those feelings (I believe this is part of mindfullness training – I need to read more about it!).

 

I hope everyone is well x

It’s Time to Talk: The power of a couple of Words

Those who follow me on twitter will have seen this screenshot already, but I just wanted to share it here on my blog as well. My Godmother text me out of the blue the other day. She didn’t say anything specifically about my mental health, she just said, “Just texting to say hello”. But this amazingly small gesture put a smile on my face for the rest of the day. It just goes to show that even a seemingly mundane text message can make all the difference.

If you know someone who might be struggling just send them a little text, a fb message, a tweet or an email. I promise you it will make them smile, even for a moment. And even if it is only a brief moment, it is a moment they may have otherwise spent feeling down or anxious.

I don’t know whether my Godmother was aware of the ‘It’s time to Talk’ campaign, but she is certainly a fantastic example!

See http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/ for more information on this fantastic campaign.

Women and Mental Health: Inspired by International Women’s Day

“The silence depressed me. It wasn’t the silence of silence. It was my own silence.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

Rather than a blog about my own personal experiences, this is more of an information blog. I have provided some thoughts about women and mental health and included some illuminating facts and statistics. I was inspired to create this blog post by International Women’s Day this weekend.

Mental health problems affect women and men equally.  It seems however that women are more likely to talk about their problems, leading to the assumption that more women suffer mental health problems. However some mental illnesses are more common in women, for example eating disorders. Although gender often doesn’t matter, treatments often have to be sensitive to and reflect gender differences.

Why are the statistics higher for women in some areas? There are various social factors which may go some of the way to answering this question. Women are particularly exposed to some of the factors that increase the risk of poor mental health because of the role and status that they typically have in society.  Some of these social factors are discussed on the Mental Health Foundation Website. They cite the following examples:

• Women are the guardians of family health – traditionally women have the responsibility of looking after family health.
• Women as carers- most carers are women, whether they care for their children, partner, parents or other relatives and friends.
• Women and mid-life – the combination of facing physical health changes, and caring for a family, maintaining  a job etc. increase the risk of middle-aged women experiencing a mental health problem.
• Women and social support – women are more likely to talk about their problems because of strong friendship support networks.

As I said at the beginning of this blog some problems are more common in women than in men, although generally statistics are even. Despite even statistics women are more likely to be treated for a mental health problem. This reflects women’s greater willingness to acknowledge that they are troubled and get support. It may also reflect doctors’ expectations of the kinds of health problems that women and men are likely to encounter.

I have listed some of the illnesses more prevalent in women:

• Depression. 1 in 4 women will require treatment at some time, compared with 1 in 10 men.  
• Self Harm.
• Anxiety. Women are twice as likely to experience anxiety disorders as men.
• Dementia. 2/3s of people with Dementia are women.
• Eating Disorders. 1.9% of women and 0.2% of men experience anorexia in any year.

On the other hand – Men are more likely than women to have an alcohol or drug probelm.

• 67% of British people who consume alcohol at ‘hazardous’ levels, and 80% of those dependent on alcohol are male.
• Almost three quarters of people dependent on cannabis and 69% of those dependent on other illegal drugs are male. 

A lot of these sats were taking from the Mental Health Foundation website, but there is also information on the NHS webpages and WHO (World Health Organisation) and www.womenshealth.gov. So go and have a read if you want to find out more. This blog was more of a taster, a quick look at a very complex and ever-changing subject.

I hope this blog post has been interesting and taught you something about women’s mental health. I am in no way undermining mental health cases in men. I am simply presenting some information about women to honour and celebrate Women’s Day.

PS: My favourite female writers at the moment are Sylvia Plath (always my fave), Ruby Wax (a new addiction), Susanna Kaysen (Author of ‘Girl Interrupted’) and Jeanette Winterson. Check them out. They all write about mental health in one form or another.

My decision to go off-meds for a while.

I posted in January about stopping taking Prozac (fluoxetine). However immediately after stopping I started taking antipsychotic medication (quetiapine). So I haven’t actually been medication free for at least 4 years. (I also started re-taking the fluoxetine a few weeks ago.)

Last weekend however I decided to stop taking everything. Full Stop. No more. The quetiapine was having adverse effects on my health (the side-effects were definitely over-ruling the desired positive effects) and I think I only went back on the fluoxetine because I was scared of taking nothing (not the right reason!)

My psych supported my decision and I am seeing him

in a couple of weeks to discuss new medication. It is difficult to decide what I need as I haven’t been free from meds for so long. These next few weeks might be difficult but they will hopefully illustrate and illuminate what shape my moods/ emotions are in naturally.

We also have here the difficulty of diagnoses. If I do indeed have Borderline Personality Disorder, then meds aren’t really recommended (though they work wonders in some cases).Therapy is the best form of treatment. However if I have cyclothymia/ bipolar (which I have been diagnosed with in the past) then medication would be more useful. The two conditions are very hard to differentiate (hence

I have been diagnosed with them both by different psychiatrists) and therefore currently I am a little difficult to treat.

I thought the best thing to do was to start from scratch. Which, for me, meant being medication free.

So far I seem to be doing ok. I had already suffered withdrawal symptoms from prozac the first time I stopped and I hadn’t been taking it long enough this second time to feel much anyway. As for the quetiapine it has had such negative side-effects that I actually feel better now!

However not taking my meds has had an effect on

me psychologically. I discussed this in therapy today. Taking medication seemed to provide me with a sense of validation. I felt like my depression was ‘real’ because I was taking something for it. Just like a diabetic would take insulin.

Now I am not taking my medication I feel a little bit like my depression is a made-up thing. Obviously it isn’t. And medication isn’t used in a lot of

cases. I know that just because one person takes anti-depressants for their depression and another person doesn’t does not mean the former’s depression is more serious/ real. But there is a tiny voice in my head telling me that I’m not sick like I used to be anymore. In a sense I should celebrate this fact.  Yet,  I feel like a bit of a fraud now – going to therapy to talk about my ‘problems’ and arranging psychiatry appointents. I guess I just need to get used to the way my body works and mind thinks free from medication. It is liberating I suppose. It’s just difficult to adjust to the idea.

Get in touch if you’ve experienced similar thoughts/ dilemmas – would be great to hear your experiences/ opinions.Thanks for reading x

(follow my twitter too @fighting_stigma)

GPs need better Mental Health Training

This is just a short blog post expressing my frustration at the NHS system. It is no secret that I have had a really hard time with the NHS, especially since moving to London. Surgeries are overcrowded and GPs are pushed to fit you into a 10 minute slot. But it’s not the time constraints that are making me frustrated: it is the obvious lack of training and understanding.

My London GP has left the surgery so I had to see a new GP today. She was lovely, but unfortunately didn’t seem to know anything about Mental Health, which begs the question, “why aren’t GPs receiving sufficient training?”, and if sufficient training isn;t possible because of time or money why aren’t GPs being encouraged to do their own personal research. My GP said to me today:

“You seem to know a lot more about mental health, bipolar and personality disorders than me.”

True, I have done a lot of reading and have personal experience, but surely my GP could have done a similar amount of research. Mental Health issues affect 1 in 4 people, which means a quarter of the people walking into that GP surgery have a mental health problem. Therefore, if my maths is correct, surely a quarter of training time should be spent on mental health issues (maybe that’s a bit too much time, but you see my point?)

I’m not blaming my GP, who was lovely. Just the way the system works, which again might not be anyone’s fault – money and time are short so cuts have to be made in certain areas. It’s just  a shame that I will now have to buy into the private system in order to see a doctor who is more specialised in this area, when I believe mental health should be further up the agenda during medical school.

Anyway, that was a nice cathartic rant!

Thanks for reading! x

Vlog 2: More introducing and books

Adding another string to my bow by making videos as well as just written blogs. It just spices things up a little and makes hearing about mental health a little more exciting/ accessible.

 

Just made a little video this evening. I’ve added it to this blog so y’all can have a look at it. Like my previous (and first vlog) this one was not scripted, slightly rambly and quickly edited! In this vlog I’m just giving some updates about where I am in terms of blogging and social media (I’ve had some of my blogs published on the SANE website etc) and I have made some mental health book recommendations (especially Ruby Wax’s books!).

I am having a bit of a hard time at the moment but am focusing my excess (hypo) energy on making videos and blogging (which can only be a good thing I guess). I am also ploughing away at my adaptation of ‘Girl Interrupted’ – It is almost finished – preparing for first read through at the moment.

NB: It is Self-Harm awareness this weekend, so I’ll be blogging some more about Self-Harm in next few days.

Thanks for watching / reading and remember to subscribe and follow me on twitter for updates – @fighting_stigma.

x

Sympathy and Mental Illness: An amended Blog

I have decided to blog an amended version of my pervious post dealing with sympathy and mental illness.

A very good friend of mine suggested that it is futile to try and compare different types of suffering. I agree. Therefore, it is pointless to try and do so. I am not purporting that someone with cancer/ diabetes / a broken bone / any other illness/ desease / medical problem should recieve more or less sympathy than someone with a mental illness.  Someone with a broken leg and someone with a broken brain are each experiencing something unique to them, and thus how can a fair comparrison be made? But I want to suggests that people’s reactions are often very different.

– – – – – –

I want to plainly state that  someone with  a mental illness should be taken seriously and sympathised with where appropriate. It isn’t about saying, ‘Oh pity me because I have a mental illness’. It is about challenging opinions such as, ‘Depression is self-infliced’, and ‘Surely you can just pull yourself together’. Telling someone with depression to ‘snap out of it’ is a big no no.

Some in today’s media would go as far as to say that depression is ‘trendy’. See for example Janet Street Porter’s Article ‘Depression? It’s just the new trendy illness!’ written for the Daily Mail and the ‘Depression’ T-shirt by Urban Outfitters. 

A widely held opinion is that people with depression can just ‘pull themselves together’, or that they just aren’t trying hard enough to get better, or that they think they are cool/ edgy or current by having depression.

I recently expressed my worries about going into a hospital to my old English teacher from school, who is now a very good friend of mine. She said:

“Don’t worry about going into hospital if that’s what they think is best. You wouldn’t worry about going in for a severe sprain or broken limb, so why for a poorly brain? Same same. “

I think this is a fantastic piece of advice, advice which a lot more people should follow. Unfortunately depression comes with a package. It comes with a sense of shame and embarrassment. You can’t show your friends your lump, or your scar or your leg in a cast. All they have is your word and this is terrifying. Thoughts such as ‘will they believe me?’ and ‘will they understand me?’ run round your brain like little mice. The shame of having something invisible is huge. Whenever I tell somebody I have a mental illness negative voices pop into my head straight away. Would this be the same if I was telling them I was going into hospital for a knee operation? Probably not (I know I said I wouldn’t make comparrisons, but I am not comparing someone’s pain, I am comparing people’s reactions). If you had diabetes,or a broken arm or heart problem you wouldn’t be embarrassed about telling your friends, would you? (Unless of course said heart problem was caused by an over-consumption of pizza and chocolate, in which case a small amount of embarrassment might be understandable.) Why is it that every other organ in the body can get sick and you get sympathy, but when it comes to the brain you are often met with unhelpful comments such as ‘pull yourself together’ and are usually  filled with a sense of dread and shame.

Mental Illness is REAL. It isn’t made up. I think the best way to get this message across is talking about it. When you realise somebody else has gone through exactly the same thing as you, you are less inclined to think you made it all up. Thinking that your mental illness is all in your head and not real is hugely damaging and can hinder recovery. It is certainly a thought that has passed through my head many times. ‘Am I just making this up?’, ‘If I tried really hard will it just go away?’ etc. However the more I read about mental illness and the more I have been talking to fellow sufferers the more I am appreciating that this is a real illness. An illness which deserves people’s time and consideration.

Thanks for reading.

Remember to follow me on twitter @fighitng_stigma

A thought: Why do you get sympathy when you break your leg or have a physical disease but not when you have depression?

[I have written an amended version of this blogpost. This one was written in a hurry and I realise I may have been slightly insensitive to those who have been touched by cancer. Feel free to read this one – I won’t remove it – but please read my amended blog on sympathy too.]

 

The list of examples is endless. Should someone who has cancer recieve more sympathy than someone with depression? Is it ok to go to the doctors with a stomach ache but not ok to go if you’re feeling low?

I think I have to be careful here. This is a very controversial subject and this blog is really just a way for me to flesh out some of my ideas and opinions on the matter. I don’t want to tell anyone what they should or shouldn’t do. I just want to explore the issue from my perspective. Many people will find it hard to empathise/sympathise with the opinion that depression is just as bad as cancer. Many will be of the opinion that cancer is involuntary and can tragically affect anybody at any moment. Depression on the other hand is more of a choice/ influenced by social factors  – it is something people can just ‘snap-out of’. Some would go as far as to say that depression is ‘trendy’, a view only emphasised by society (I am thinking in particular of the ‘Depression’ T-shirt by Urban Outfitters). Someone with cancer can’t just ‘snap out of it’. I believe the same is true for mental illness. 

A widely held opinion is that people with depression can just ‘pull themselves together’, or that they just aren’t trying hard enough to get better, or that they think they are cool/ edgy or current by having depression.

I recently expressed my worries about going into a hospital to my old English teacher from school, who is now a very good friend of mine. She said:

“Don’t worry about going into hospital if that’s what they think is best. You wouldn’t worry about going in for a severe sprain or broken limb, so why for a poorly brain? Same same. “

I think this is a fantastic piece of advice, advice which a lot more people should follow. Unfortunately depression comes with a package. It comes with a sense of shame and embarrassment. You can’t show your friends your lump, or your scar or your leg in a cast. All they have is your word and this is terrifying. Thoughts such as ‘will they believe me?’ and ‘will they understand me?’ run round your brain like little mice. The shame of having something invisible is huge. Whenever I tell somebodyI have a mental illness negative voices pop into my head straight away. Would this be the same if I was telling them I was going into hospital for a knee operation? Probably not. If you had a heart problem you wouldn’t be embarrassed about telling your friends, would you? (Unless of course said heart problem was caused by an over-consumption of pizza and chocolate, in which case a small amount of embarrassment might be understandable.) Why is it that every other organ in the body can get sick and you get sympathy, but when it comes to the brain you are filled with dread and sometimes, unfortunately met with borderline hostility.

Mental Illness is REAL. It isn’t made up. I think the best way to get this message across is talking about it. When you realise somebody else has gone through exactly the same thing as you, you are less inclined to think you made it all up. Thinking that your mental illness is all in your head and not real is hugely damaging and can hinder recovery. It is certainly a thought that has passed through my head many times. ‘Am I just making this up?’, ‘If I tried really hard will it just go away?’ etc. However the more I read about mental illness and the more I have been talking to fellow sufferers the more I am appreciating that this is a real illness. An illness which deserves people’s time and consideration.

Thanks for reading.

Remember to follow me on twitter @fighitng_stigma

VIDEO | An Introduction To Me.

I got a new camera, so decided to start vlogging.

This was a spontaneous video, so is unscripted and quickly edited. I want to learn more about editing, and video making in general 😀

It tells you a bit about me as a person and documents the start of my youtube journey. I plan to post vlogs about mental illness and similar.

The more mediums the better eh?

Thanks for watching/ reading 😀 x