My decision to go off-meds for a while.

I posted in January about stopping taking Prozac (fluoxetine). However immediately after stopping I started taking antipsychotic medication (quetiapine). So I haven’t actually been medication free for at least 4 years. (I also started re-taking the fluoxetine a few weeks ago.)

Last weekend however I decided to stop taking everything. Full Stop. No more. The quetiapine was having adverse effects on my health (the side-effects were definitely over-ruling the desired positive effects) and I think I only went back on the fluoxetine because I was scared of taking nothing (not the right reason!)

My psych supported my decision and I am seeing him

in a couple of weeks to discuss new medication. It is difficult to decide what I need as I haven’t been free from meds for so long. These next few weeks might be difficult but they will hopefully illustrate and illuminate what shape my moods/ emotions are in naturally.

We also have here the difficulty of diagnoses. If I do indeed have Borderline Personality Disorder, then meds aren’t really recommended (though they work wonders in some cases).Therapy is the best form of treatment. However if I have cyclothymia/ bipolar (which I have been diagnosed with in the past) then medication would be more useful. The two conditions are very hard to differentiate (hence

I have been diagnosed with them both by different psychiatrists) and therefore currently I am a little difficult to treat.

I thought the best thing to do was to start from scratch. Which, for me, meant being medication free.

So far I seem to be doing ok. I had already suffered withdrawal symptoms from prozac the first time I stopped and I hadn’t been taking it long enough this second time to feel much anyway. As for the quetiapine it has had such negative side-effects that I actually feel better now!

However not taking my meds has had an effect on

me psychologically. I discussed this in therapy today. Taking medication seemed to provide me with a sense of validation. I felt like my depression was ‘real’ because I was taking something for it. Just like a diabetic would take insulin.

Now I am not taking my medication I feel a little bit like my depression is a made-up thing. Obviously it isn’t. And medication isn’t used in a lot of

cases. I know that just because one person takes anti-depressants for their depression and another person doesn’t does not mean the former’s depression is more serious/ real. But there is a tiny voice in my head telling me that I’m not sick like I used to be anymore. In a sense I should celebrate this fact.  Yet,  I feel like a bit of a fraud now – going to therapy to talk about my ‘problems’ and arranging psychiatry appointents. I guess I just need to get used to the way my body works and mind thinks free from medication. It is liberating I suppose. It’s just difficult to adjust to the idea.

Get in touch if you’ve experienced similar thoughts/ dilemmas – would be great to hear your experiences/ opinions.Thanks for reading x

(follow my twitter too @fighting_stigma)